lying about, in all different positions in my bed.
i look out of the window.
raindrops trickle down the window pane.
i feel alone. very much alone in the cold room.
i started to make myself a cup of coffee.
then made a usual routine of checking for messages or/and missed calls from my mobile.
i saw a couple of messages. a couple of missed calls.
i'm thankful i'm in the hearts of these few people's.
some were grateful to some things i had done previously,
some asked me out for meal,
& some sent in forwarded good night messages.
i am certain i am not someone who receives messages / calls from jerks asking me for so & so, this & that. i am also certain i don't owe loan sharks money.
in this case, at least i am aware i'm still not brainless yet.
oh yes, it has been raining.
the rain always makes me better.
but today, it's a different feeling altogether now.
it's a weird thing inside of me. it's reacting deep within me.
i had been reading my comics non-stop.
but i couldn't concentrate. i kept reading back repeatedly.
i pray nothing is terribly wrong.
there has been a number of people who has been making me feel that i cannot accept some things in life. (males, fyi.)
no. one says, "why is it always i ask you only accept my date once in six times. it's very demoralising. "
no. two says, "why are you always not free. do i piss you off?"
no. three says, "what happen to you? why do you always not answer my calls?"
no. four says, "i've got to handle two jobs. and you seem to be so much more busy than i am. why?"
the last one says, "there's either no fate between us, or that i turn you off & you don't wanna go out with me."
i am very tired.
i am so TIRED.
men are a version physically bigger than boys. fullstop.
TO :
no. 1. i am not demoralising you. you just make too many last minute decisions & when i say i can't, you seem to turn into a fit. i don't like your character.
no. 2. it's just a coincidence you time-table clashes with mine. i guess..too bad?
no. 3. you are the worst of all men. you don't get my point till now? this 100% tells you DIRECTLY i don't like talking to you. scram.
no. 4. you're that busy, & you have to resort to comparison? you're no gentleman. i guess we definitely end here.
no. 5. don't comment on fate. you've no confidence in yourself. i don't think you make it.
sigh.
i'm very exhausted.
gulp.
the other day i was down at the hospital at midnight,
i turned to myself & thought about how it would be like if i disappeared from everyone's life?
i know it isn't a very optimistic thought, but somehow i couldn't help pondering about it.
how do we die? will we be spirits? and will we be able to see our loved ones mourning?
who will be ones crying? who will be the ones in silence? who will be the ones laughing?
i shall not be a mad woman wondering far away.
well, daddy's back from overseas again.
my mother is back to her same routine of rants.
my sister is back from school.
the house is back to it's usual self once again.
one big question left - i'm back to my usual self am i?
i guess i am myself, yay!
or maybe i'm not?
but i'm pretty sure i'm perfectly okay.
alright, maybe not so, i'm feeling lost.
still, i'm fine in the brain right?
but i'm in no condition to go out.
fortunately you still can type this blog duh.
so, i'm myself?????
oh bother, whatever.
How to make a Janel