nothing beats being home on a rainy day.
but i have to do this freakin 4 thousand over words strategic management essay.
i have been on the ball for the past year, getting distinctions in school,
but this year,
i'm tired,
damn sick and tired of the damn cycle of assignments, tests and exams.
and dammit i'm only half way there.
it's not like i'm lookin forward to the corporate world either,
because it's all goin' to be a messed up world.
i know, i know, i'm just too pessimistic.
and i need to know what i want in life.
we all can choose to be happy or unhappy.
but i choose to be somewhat in the middle.
when i feel happy, i won't want to fall and hit myself in the face when i realise i either cannot accomplish the mission, or that someone disappoints me.
and so people say i look aloof,
or upset about my life.
man, i feel for those who are constantly happy in their lives,
even when they have no idea when they'll part.
i must say i envy them,
but i cannot feel like them.
i admire happy people, but i mean, i'm just not one of them.
these few days i feel nostalgic,
and i happened to hear some songs that we all heard in our secondary school days.
i'm sure you have certain songs that relate to particular moments of your lives.
and when these songs are played,
you automatically play back whatever memories you had, good or bad, in your mind.
i used to like pain, where i'd get a pierceing or two every few months.
then i wanted to get a tattoo, to immense myself with somemore pain,
but then situations forbid me to do so,
when people talk, when people probe, when people interrogated.
as time went by, i forgot...
forgot how that sorta pain felt like before.
all i know is that i enjoyed
the thrill, and the excitement, and the process of healing my skin and wounds.
and i just wonder,
is life all about being conservative and traditional, to listen to what people say?
is sacrificing one's time, money, and life for others, worth it??
for i desire to roam,
to be free from the people i have to please,
to be free from the pressure from family, community, and society.
how great it is to be free,
for a girl with a temper, stubborness and selfishness,
i can probably get along with myself most peacefully.
i really do wonder is my changed lifestyle for the better?
really no more late nights like we all used to:
party, pool, billiard and kbox every other day.
hanging around town in the wee mornings or just the nearby blocks,
playing fire, talking rubbish, drinking, playing cards.
it was those fun times and those fun people.
we didn't go home and we roamed in the streets,
we stayed at whoever's hse was nearby or available.
we ordered mac delivery when we were hungry.
we were all single.
we were all free.
we went to chalets that were filled with smoke,
with 'elder sisters' who were twentyish, when we were then only fifteen or sixteen.
we envied the biker boys, and their tattoos.
i got home almost every other night,
with my parents screaming the hell at me, and others ridiculing my life.
they said i needed theraphy.
yes, this was my life, if you find it sad.
now, all these are a blur,
and everything has changed,
with no complex situations - only school assignments awaiting me.
i sigh at my life.
it used to be chaotic and now?
of course i will never go back to how i was, but a part of me missed the old me.
for i now have a relatively lacklustre life.
How to make a Janel